Are we watching Arrow or Desperate Housewives? Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference these days, especially when such a large portion of each episode is dedicated to Oliver setting off a chain-reaction that is destined to ruin his personal life (see: “Legends of Yesterday“). Seriously, after watching the latest Arrow episode (see: “Taken“) I found myself rolling my eyes so hard they almost fell out of my skull. I have loved Arrow since the beginning, and Felicity Smoak even more so (Emily Bett Rickards is flawless, no matter what material she’s given). Felicity once brought all kinds of light to Oliver’s darkness, including unstoppable verbal diarrhoea, mad skillz behind a computer screen, and a sort of naiveté that drew hard-bitten Oliver towards her. Recently, they’ve traded their yin/yang dynamic for manufactured relationship drama that no doubt sets the crazy Olicity fans on Tumblr barking. (These “fans” are so dangerously into Olicity that they feel entitled to it, at the cost of genuine character development and storylines. They have a history of harassing the executive producer on social media, demanding that the flames of their passionate shipping fire be met. Hell hath no fury like an Olicity shipper scorned, but not all of us are evil. Just the ones that take it too seriously). As someone who has loved the show and Felicity (and yes, Olicity) from the very start:

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jq_nBiK39E[/embedyt]

Please get your sh*t together. I will admit: Arrow has always been rife with relationship drama (is there a woman in Star City that Oliver hasn’t bedded?) with the innate understanding that Oliver has no idea what a happy, harmonious relationship is supposed to look like. (Remember the time he invited his then-girlfriend’s sister onto a yacht trip and lied to his then-girlfriend about it? Also, there was that time he slept with the woman that was obsessed with his father? Those are just two examples in a very long list of head-scratching decisions). But when that relationship drama takes over the show, and the introduction of an illegitimate child is less of a storyline and more of a plot point to drive a wedge between Oliver and Felicity, I wonder if I’m the only one unhappy with it.

I know, I know, Oliciters, you’re ready to come for me in the night and force me aboard your ship. In case there are any neutral parties out there, please note that Felicity is still a precious cinnamon roll. Oliver is still working on personal growth. But:

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuDB57IUoUw[/embedyt]

A) When Malcolm Merlyn of all people found out about William, Felicity should have been brought into the loop. Why would he let Malcolm in on his secret, but not the woman he wants to marry? Oliver Queen isn’t just The Green Arrow, he’s a f*cking idiot.

B) Vixen was amazing, and my only regret was not seeing more of her. However, her giving Oliver advice felt unsolicited and kind of rude— yes, she was sharing her experience, but that’s her experience. Under Vixen’s direction, William would grow up without a father— you know who else knows what it’s like to grow up without a father, and has a unique perspective to share on that topic? Felicity. That said, it wasn’t anyone’s decision to make but Oliver and Samantha’s (see point D).

C) I’m not buying the one-and-done act with Felicity’s paralysis. Sure, she’s going to walk again thanks to Curtis’s miraculous gift, but do you expect me— a physically-disabled woman who has never known anything else— to believe that she gets a magical chip and everything’s just peachy? Okay, no. One does not just get over what she’s gone through in one episode and then bounce onto the next thing, even in Felicity’s unique set of circumstances. It’s still there, just waiting to come out. For Heaven’s sake, she was shot and almost died and could have spent the rest of her life in a chair. Maybe the show will delve deeper into her psychology and what’s going on in her head, but I doubt it. All they really did was show her having a hallucination of her past, which went nowhere, meant nothing and seemed utterly pointless when she snapped back to her old self an episode later.

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0zYr4d7rxk[/embedyt]

D) Felicity was angry when Oliver told her about William. That’s fine. Completely normal. It was even totally understandable when she was still angry with him after Samantha admitted that she forced Oliver to keep quiet about it. What Felicity does not have the right to be angry about is having her feelings over William’s fate vetoed. He is not, in any way, shape, or form, her son. She’s not even his stepmother, and she won’t get the chance to be. William’s not going to know he’s Oliver’s son until he’s an adult, barring another set of tragic circumstances. Oliver had a hard enough time saying goodbye to William and giving up his paternal rights (not that he had any to begin with). Felicity’s upset is like the spoon with which he has to eat a very heinous sundae.

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxMVkAj1nAc[/embedyt]

E) Felicity tells Oliver that marriage is about inclusion, that he should have leaned on her instead of making William the worst-kept secret in Star City. He tells her he’s trying to be better and instead of talking to him about it or even telling him that he’s not trying hard enough (she could have said: “I got shot because of you, jack-a**, and you couldn’t be bothered to tell me I might have been a stepmother?  I’m sorry but we’re done.”) Felicity complains about not having a say in William’s departure. Then she gets up and walks out of the room.

I mean, sure, it could be (and probably has been, elsewhere on the internet) argued that Felicity wasn’t really angry about Oliver and Samantha deciding what was best for their son. But she should have expressed that instead of flying off the handle about something that doesn’t concern her.

How about teaching him how people who love each other “lean on” one another instead of abandoning him? If we look at everything he’s been through as a whole (not the least of which include his mother being gutted like a fish right in front of him), his actions and reactions make more sense. He needs therapy, not someone who walks out on him. Felicity, girl, I get you’ve gone through some tough stuff, but how is Oliver supposed to grow and learn and change when you’d rather walk off in a huff for drama’s sake? There were so many better ways to handle this for both characters, this was probably the worst.

F) These boots are made for walking… but I’m sorry, that was the most cringe-worthy scene I’ve ever witnessed Arrow have the stones to pull off. Even with the addition of Curtis’s techno toy, Felicity getting up and walking away didn’t work. Actually, let’s talk about that:

A) She was in fashionable shoes with a heel higher than a sneaker. She would have wobbled or flat-out fallen on her face. No, the heel wasn’t that high, but after being confined to a chair for so long, walking still would have left her unsteady.

B) Making a beeline straight for the door without having to lean on furniture to get there was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. She, at one point, leaned on a column, but after half a second of that, literally went for the door like she’d never been fatally shot in the first place.

C) Even assuming that all of that could have happened, how was she able to maintain her balance while pulling open the door? From first-hand experience, let me tell you, that is a no.

I guess it’s all thanks to that chip.

Science-fiction, kids. Don’t think about it too hard, it will make you wish you had accurate disability representation in the media.

In this episode, we also got to see Vixen destroy the source of Damian Darhk’s magic and a nasty showdown between Thea and Malcolm. But those weren’t enough to detract from the sour stench of Olicity’s demise that has been slowly creeping in for a long time. Let me end this by saying that I only want the best for this show, for its characters, and for the people who work on it; if that means shelving Olicity until both of them can behave like adults, or breaking them up permanently: good. Do it. I just want Arrow to get its sh*t together. More heroics, less stupid relationship crap. More “B!tch With Wifi” Felicity, less… whatever’s happening right now. More plot lines that actually go somewhere, less illegitimate son that gets moved to an undisclosed location so the audience will forget he exists. Is that too much to ask?

With my very heated opinion piece out of the way, let’s take a look at Olicity back when it was still adorable:

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqVlnciZIpI[/embedyt]

EDITED on 2/28/16 for clarity